How our thoughts can hold us back
I’m here today to talk about our self-perceptions, how we think about ourselves and the ways that it can limit us.
Firstly, this blog today is based on a YouTube video I put out. If you would prefer to watch instead of read, you can find the video here:
Perception is a bit of a nebulous concept and when I was searching for definitions for this video it actually took a few tries to find something that fit. For the purpose of this video, I’m going to go with the Merriam-Webster definition where perception is the act of perceiving, which is given by:
“- To attain awareness or understanding of
- To regard as being such
- To become aware of through the senses”
Based on this definition there are two aspects of perception, that of new awareness and that of what we already regard as the truth: “we regard as being such”. It’s this second definition that I want to focus on today.
When I talk about self perceptions I talk about the things that we believe to be true about ourselves. Some of these things can be titles, sister, brother, parent, son/daughter, manager, entrepreneur, artist, photographer, and some of them are more about who we are or what we do: “I’m not the kind of person who watches TV after work”, “I’m just someone who has no mathematical skill”.
We all have a number of perceptions about ourselves, some good, some bad and they affect the way that we move through the world, how we respond to certain situations and the paths we take as a person.
These self perceptions can start in childhood. Maybe you were told you were smart, which meant you started identifying as a “smart person”. And that label served you well for a time but then you found something hard for the first time, something you didn’t just get and that shattered your self image because you were no longer “smart enough” to grasp this concept. This plays into the fixed vs growth mindset conversation which I want to come back to a little later on.
When we have a fixed mindset it can be easy for our self-image to be shattered
Or maybe you were told you were lazy. That you had so much potential if only you worked a bit harder, stopped being distracted and just put a bit of effort in. I’m talking to my fellow ADHD brains here, I’m sorry your self perception was affected at such a young age because people didn’t understand that your brain works differently.
This point can be generalised to other forms of neurodivergence as well. Maybe you were labeled as clumsy, spaced or not paying attention because you have dyspraxia that affects your coordination and causes accidents, when really you’re more careful and attentive because you know this is something you find harder.
Maybe you were called a weirdo and unwilling to make friends because your autism meant that you struggled with social interactions that you didn’t understand, when really you love people and build the tightest friendships when you feel safe.
Regardless of whether you are neurodivergent or not, these perceptions we receive throughout our lives affect us, and when we hear the perceptions a lot or are young or vulnerable or they come from people we admire and respect, these perceptions get absorbed and internalised and become part of our self-perceptions of ourselves.
These self perceptions are more impactful than just making us feel good or bad about ourselves. Our human brains are these amazing things that sift through constant bombardments of information and find ways to make sense of it all, and one of the powerful ways they do this is through spotting patterns.
One thing our brains are amazing at is pattern recognition, especially if we are neurodivergent
A great book that talks about this is Maxwell Maltz’s Psychocybernetics. It’s a bit dated now as it has been around since the 60s but the underlying message gives a great intuitive explanation of this concept.
Maltz describes our brains as if they are a homing missile, our brains receive a target and readjust to find this target, constantly course correcting until it arrives at the right destination. Our brains, as we try and find our targets, whatever our goals may be, are constantly responding to the information that they receive as part of that course correction.
When we have a negative self image, our amazing pattern recognition brains are spotting patterns that negative self image. If our self image is that “we are hopeless at maths!” then our brains will recognise when we miscalculated how much our shopping was going to cost because that fits the pattern of our self perception, rather than spotting the time we successfully worked out what time we would need to leave to get to the airport on time by calculating our travel time and the time we need to be at the airport.
On the flip side, if we have positive self-perceptions and we genuinely believe in ourselves, then our brains will notice things that reaffirm that, and uncover opportunities that we might not otherwise have spotted when we weren’t actively searching for that pattern. It’s using our brains’ confirmation bias to our advantage to reinforce our positive self perceptions.
Our brains will constantly readjust according to the information we receive to get closer and closer to our target.
And by the way I totally understand why we have a tendency to think more on the negative or to not believe in ourselves. A lot of the time we just don’t want to get our hopes up - if we believe that a Good Thing is going to happen and it doesn’t, then that really hurts! So it’s self-preservation, if we don’t get our hopes up then we can’t be knocked back and we save ourselves from the pain. But like we’ve discussed, this line of thinking is not going to get us where we need to be.
So how do we turn a negative self-perception into a positive self perception? In Atomic Habits, James Clear suggests that in order to build new habits you first have to identify as the thing you want to be. We can use this concept here.
Suppose you have been asked to lead a project for the first time and you’re terrified. Your self-perception is telling you “I have no idea how to lead! I can barely keep myself going, let alone lead a whole project!”. Following James’ advice, the way we combat this is by contradicting that directly and internalising: “I am a leader”.
I remember the first time I did this with my leadership coaching. I actually texted my Aunt that evening declaring that I am a coach. I hadn’t got all the answers yet, I wasn’t 100% confident in my coaching abilities and hadn’t achieved my qualifications yet, but I had crossed the threshold where I felt I could identify as a coach and that in itself was a boost in my confidence which prompted me to go out in the real world and put the skills I had been learning into practise. From there the skills grew, the opportunities grew and my self perception now is that I’m a fantastic coach.
I’m using the same approach with YouTube. It feels weird to say “I’m a YouTuber” when I only have a handful of subscribers and am currently creating my second video but it’s important, because by identifying as a YouYuber I have made this part of my identity, and so I’m going to keep making videos because that’s just what youtubers do.
By identifying as a YouTuber I’m picking up habits that will help me in becoming the YouTuber that I want to be
Now at this point you might be thinking: “Yes Leigh, this is all well and good but I can’t just identify as a leader. I don’t have the confidence and I don’t have the evidence that I can do it.” And cool, I hear your point and it’s totally valid.
So I’m going to follow up with a post on exactly this next week, looking at ways we can get ourselves comfortable with identifying as The Thing so we can build our mindset.
If this resonates with you and feel you would be interested in talking to an adhd and autism-friendly coach, feel free to get in touch. If you’re looking for more blog posts, you can find them here.
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