Why am I such a failure?
We all fail from time to time, it’s a normal part of life and without it we wouldn’t learn and grow. Even though we can know this on a high level, that doesn’t necessarily stop us from feeling like a failure. Today I want to talk about those feelings, how they interact with neurodivergence and some ways we can go about countering them.
Firstly, this blog today is based on a YouTube video I put out. If you would prefer to watch instead of read, you can find the video here:
I decided to write this post on a day that I myself woke up feeling very low. The day before I’d received the bad news that a big bit of work I’d been preparing for and in negotiations for for a long time wasn’t going to come to fruition and while I took it okay at the time, the next morning I wasn’t feeling so great. I knew academically that this wasn’t a failing on my part, it was just how these things go sometimes, but it sure did feel like a failing.
Big emotions seem to be a common occurrence in neurodivergence. I don’t think it’s generally in the diagnostic criteria of any single one but it’s a feature present in almost all of them. Our emotions aren’t wrong, they’re just a bit bigger, so when we encounter a failure it can sometimes not take much to go from “this was a failure” to “I am a failure”.
For me I find it’s my rejection sensitivity that leads into this. I did a post talking about rejection sensitivity itself which you can find here but in this case I think it acts as a catalyst. My brain quickly jumps from: “I perceived a rejection”, and I phrase it like that because it’s not always a real rejection that causes this, sometimes it’s just something I’ve perceived, straight to “I’m a failure” at an alarming rate.
On a personal level, the “I’m a failure” thought spiral is the most difficult one for me to handle
I don’t actually think I’m a failure. I’m actually very proud of a lot that I’ve achieved in my life and excited about where things will go next. But I can’t deny that this rejection is intertwined with the concept of failure and puts me into a spiral. I’m very lucky that I have excellent tools, friends and support that help me get out of these spirals because when they happen I’m in danger of changing my self image.
I spoke about this concept in a previous post but the short version is that when we get bogged down in negative thoughts about ourselves, we start to internalise those negative thoughts and as a result our amazing pattern recognition brains start to reinforce it spiraling further. As a result, slipping into this failure mindset could lead me to internalising that I’m a failure in my business, stop working on it and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also think a lot of our feelings of failure come from living in a neurotypical world. I was personally very lucky that I stumbled across coping strategies early into my education, but for many of us neurospicies, school can be one of the first places where we approach failure in a big way.
When we’re told off for being disruptive in class, called the weird kid who struggles to make friends or are just unable to meet the standard as our neurodivergences need extra support, all of this starts to instill a sense of failure in us. But it’s not that we are failing. It’s that we operate in a world that is not designed for us.
Many of us felt like the odd one out growing up, especially at school
Many of us, as well, didn’t get to understand this when we were young either. Those of us lucky to be diagnosed in childhood - I was not one of them - don’t always get things explained to them properly or things are explained in a way that makes them feel lesser.
Even as adults it can be hard to find the language to explain how our neurodivergence can make things challenging, especially when coming up across someone who is dismissive of the whole concept. But as a child, how are we meant to understand that? It truly takes amazing advocates to protect the self-esteem of a neurodivergent child.
This also affects us today. I know there are many neurodivergent people who do not feel like they can ask for accommodations, either because they view it as a personal failing to ask for help or because they fear the judgement that will come with the question. So first thing, I want to impress on you that it is not a failure to ask for help.
I know this is the most cliche image out there but there’s something strong about seeing moments of connection like these
I’m not even necessarily talking about accommodations at this point. It could be mental health support, it could be just help doing something you don’t have the skillset for. I wear glasses because my vision is not good enough to function without them. You wouldn’t call me a failure for wearing glasses. It is not a failure to ask for the help and support you need to be able to show up in this world.
I’m trying to use this perspective to reframe this in my mind, to work on a fundamental shift in how I think about failure. I read an article in the Guardian newspaper recently about this very topic, called “why we need to learn to fail better”. It’s all around reframing failure as learning, which I’m sure you’ve heard and are rolling your eyes at now because it seems like an empty platitude, but it does have legs if we look at it closely.
In the article they use the example of a blind date that doesn’t work out, one where your friend set you up but they unfortunately didn’t get it right. Yes you could argue that that date was a failure, but what if it was just research? What if it was just collecting information and learning. What if it was just trying on a new potential relationship, seeing if it worked and moving on. Your friend introduced you so you know they’re most likely not someone dangerous so it’s a safe place to try, learn and get it wrong.
Because that’s how you learned to walk, falling over with every attempt to take a step forward until one day you remained standing. And so that’s how we can move forward in life, setting up safe places where it’s okay if we fail so that we can keep learning, growing and moving forward.
We learned to walk in a safe manner, with support from our caregivers who helped us learn from our failures so that we could move under our own steam
This is a fundamental mindset shift, and like any other mindset shift it needs work. It needs continual reminders to practice this new mindset, especially in those moments when the big emotions threaten to drag us back down. You can work with a coach, a therapist or do some journaling to help with that but if you want something you can try immediately, I put a whole post together about tackling negative thoughts to build a positive mindset and you can find it here.
I’m still on my journey to reframing failure and it’s one that I think will be a continual journey. But I’m learning, growing and everyday becoming more of the person that I want to be. And I wish the same thing for you on your journey as well.
If this resonates with you and feel you would be interested in talking to an autism-friendly coach, feel free to get in touch. If you’re looking for more blog posts, you can find them here.
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