Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
No one likes to be rejected, it’s not a good feeling. But for some of us, it hits so much harder than others. I’m here today to talk about rejection sensitivity, how it affects our careers and businesses and some ideas for how to help with it.
Firstly, this blog today is based on a YouTube video I put out. If you would prefer to watch instead of read, you can find the video here:
One of the topics that comes up regularly in my coaching is rejection. Maybe not directly, but more like: “What if I don’t get the promotion?”, “What if they say no?”, “I’m scared of doing sales calls”. Of course every person is different but quite often it’s rejection sensitivity underpinning these conversations.
Let’s start by quickly defining what rejection sensitivity is. You may have also heard this being referred to as RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. While Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is not a medical diagnosis, it is a term that has been created by experts to describe a common experience when faced with rejection.
One of the resources I used in this post was the ADDitude Article linked here. Dr William Dodson, one of the first experts to talk about RSD, explains what it is and how it links to ADHD in particular. You also don’t have to have ADHD to have RSD but I’m lucky enough to have both.
Rejection sensitivity is closely linked to emotional dysregulation, which is a known symptom of ADHD. Emotional dysregulation is what is often called “Big Emotions”, where the reaction to what has happened is correct, yes it feels bad to get rejected, but when you have emotional dysregulation the magnitude of the feeling is so much bigger. For those of us with emotional dysregulation, a rejection can feel devastating and thus: rejection sensitivity.
It’s quite hard to think of appropriate images to go with rejection so here’s a dog cuddled up in a blanket where it is safely protected from the outside world and rejection
Unfortunately, when we are in the work place as an employee or running our own business we are not actually a completely different person, no matter how good we are at masking. So if rejection sensitivity is something that we experience then it makes its way into our professional lives as well.
For me it’s something I’ve been combating long before I knew the name. It affected me in my corporate life and it also affects me now in my entrepreneurial career. I could speak in general terms about what that effect might look like but I think it might be valuable to share how it’s affected me and open up a conversation about what this looks like for us.
When I was first starting out my coaching business, handling the RSD was hands down the hardest part. I was one of those people I alluded to earlier on, someone scared of sales calls. And that’s not a very good place to be in business.
If you’re running a business then it is a fundamental truth that you have to be doing sales. You can try and outsource it but whoever you outsource it to will not be as passionate about your product as you are and to be honest, when the person providing the service is you, as it is in my case, it doesn’t make sense to try and outsource it. The thing about sales is that you’re going to get Nos. And a lot of them. Even the best salespeople get a lot of nos before every yes. For someone with rejection sensitivity, that is terrifying.
The hit rate for sales calls can be depressingly low if you have rejection sensitivity
I have heard people say, and even said it myself, that the worst they can do is say no. That you’re no worse off for having tried it. And in some ways that’s true, but part of the fun of rejection sensitivity is that it doesn’t actually have to be a no to set off the rejection sensitivity. It can just be a perceived no.
In that case, things go to a much wider level. What if I post on social media announcing the launch of my coaching business and get radio silence back? My rejection sensitivity perceives that as rejection. It doesn’t matter that no one has actually rejected me, but I perceive it that way.
This was actually a struggle for a while. Going into my first sales calls, I knew they were very likely to be unsuccessful but that didn’t stop the nos from hitting hard. In one of the early calls, it wasn’t even a straight up no - the person just decided after our chat that they wanted to work with someone in person and we were in different countries - but it was still enough to derail the whole rest of my day. The rejection hurt.
I knew they weren’t rejecting me either, it was my product they were rejecting. I’ve had people reject my coaching because they wanted someone to step by step tell them what they needed to do, which is fine, I don’t do that. And of course I’ve had people who straight up ghosted me which is always interesting because it’s almost a continual rejection each time you realised they never replied. All of this hurt afresh every time.
As much as I struggle to get into the habit on a regular basis, journalling is also a useful way to process my emotions and move forward
There were a few things that helped me with improving this. One is that I had to recognise it for what it was: it was rejection sensitivity and it was a part of my life experience. I was inevitably going to feel more bad about rejection than the average person and by accepting that, at least I wasn’t going to feel bad about it twice.
The second thing that worked for me was exposure. Now this is where I’m going to give my usual caveat that you need to be careful and if you have any trauma related to rejection then you absolutely should tackle this in a controlled environment with someone who is professionally able to help you with this.
However, I was very fortunate that this was not a trauma response, it was just straight up rejection sensitivity. I was also aware that if I wanted to make my business a success then sales was something I just had to do. I brought it up in coaching sessions many times where I processed my feelings around rejection sensitivity and then I got back out there and started doing it.
I feel like this is the autism side in me, but if I can reframe it as collecting data, stepping back and being analytical about it, then the rejection is easier to deal with
The first rejections were very painful but in a way, they were also learning. One thing they taught me was very much to lower my expectations, but they also helped me collect data on what was working (in this case what was resonating) and what wasn’t.
I remember so clearly the first time I converted a sale. I went in with no expectations for it to be successful. I hadn’t given up, but I had accepted that this would likely be another learning experience and I’d prepped time to deal with the emotional dysregulation that would follow. The call finished on a positive note and I got back on with the work I was doing, trying to keep an open mind. When the yes came through, I was ecstatic.
Now the rejection sensitivity isn’t as strong when it comes to sales. Sometimes it does get me down, particularly if I’m really excited to work with that client, but I know that I needed to go through this rejection sensitivity process to really internalise that it’s not personal, that I’m not the problem and that this is just a natural part of being a business owner.
In contrast, when it comes to being in the workplace, one of the first places I see rejection sensitivity appearing is in performance reviews. Negative feedback is hard. I remember receiving anonymised peer reviews back in my corporate role where there would be tens of positive comments but then I would read the negative one. It didn’t even have to be true. I definitely experienced one that was a straight up personal attack from someone who didn’t like me. But it was still a rejection and the rejection ruined my whole day.
Although I love learning, growing and developing myself, negative feedback can be hard to take, especially when it’s not constructive
Feedback can be really hard to take if you’re someone who struggles with rejection sensitivity because it’s the negative stuff that’s going to be what you pick up on and carry forward. You don’t even have to be someone who is unable to take criticism, you might actually be someone who loves to hear how you can improve because you want to grow and get better. It doesn’t make receiving that negative feedback hurt less because negative feedback can be feel like rejection.
I never solved that problem when I was in corporate but I do have thoughts on how I would handle that now. The first thing I would say to past Leigh is that it’s okay if rejection hurts. I would acknowledge and explain rejection sensitivity so that I could recognise it in the moment and be prepared that it’s going to happen.
I’d also bake in time to allow for it. I know enough about myself now to know that the rejection sensitivity doesn’t always kick in immediately. Sometimes I need to walk away and process things, and often I need to process things out loud or in a journal. So I would prepare that time, time that I can use to walk away and make sense of my thoughts and feelings and also feel what I need to feel in that moment.
There’s no sure fire way to prevent rejection sensitivity but knowing what it is, that it’s normal and having a way to process it are a really good place to start.
If this resonates with you and feel you would be interested in talking to an autism-friendly coach, feel free to get in touch. If you’re looking for more blog posts, you can find them here.
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